Your Kids Will Lie

"Let go of the fantasy that your kids never tell lies.”
Jim Faye

Research shows that children don't start understanding the difference between fiction and reality until around the age of three years old. Many educators and experts assert that this understanding isn't fully developed until they are about 6 years old.

Young children often say silly or wishful things, but is this lying? For example, your toddler would plainly say, they haven't eaten another biscuit/cookie and even though their hands and mouth are covered the evidence says otherwise.

The rate of lying skyrockets in children between the ages of two and four. Why? It’s likely because they are developing important cognitive skills. They are learning to distinguish between fact and fiction, and between pretend and real.

Content

How to Handle Toddlers Lying?

We Make Kids Lie!

How to Handle School-Age Kids Lying?

How to Handle Teens' Repeated Lying

How to Handle Toddlers Lying?

This is a healthy stage of development that children go through, and they certainly don’t need us to jar them out of it. Go easy, leave room for growth, and stay connected to your child. Here are four tips:

Children are less likely to tell the truth if they think it will make you upset or angry. Breathe and do not get upset if your toddler lies. Reassure them that you will not be angry if something has gone wrong.

Best Four TIPS

Children are less likely to tell the truth if they think it will make you upset or angry. Breathe and do not get upset if your toddler lies. Reassure them that you will not be angry if something has gone wrong.
No shaming or punishment is required.
Sometimes ask, "Is this real or pretend?" Explain that like storybooks can be either made-up or fairytales but others are true stories.
Show your child you understand that some lies are wishes.

We Make Kids Lie!

It’s easy to get kids to lie. Just ask them questions such as:

Did you brush your teeth?
Did you talk back to your teacher?
Did you use my tools without permission?
Did you hit your little brother?

Don't fall into the trap I did, by asking questions that you already know the answer to. This reinforces their need to please the adult and protect themselves and some kids will feel backed into a corner by a big strong adult, maybe with a big voice too.

How to Handle School-Age Kids Lying?

Whenever you experience your child lying, don’t over-react! BREATHE, remember that we don’t want to be authoritarian in our voice and scare our children into the truth: our goal as parents is to make sure that we connect with our children so that lines of communication are always open. Our goal is for our children to trust us, not fear us.

Sometimes a prompt like “Do you want to try that again…?” or “Mmm, it feels like you are not telling the truth. I am not mad that the glass broke, accidents happen, can you please tell me again what happened?” To see if they will revise their stance or statement. If your child responds with honesty, congratulate them on their honesty and move forward.

Here’s another way to go if you find your child repeatedly lying:

"I feel like you lied to me" rather than "You lied to me." If your child replies with "No, I didn't!" you can say, "Hmm … but I feel like you did."

Help the child see lying as an indicator to you of maturity. Achieve this by saying, "When I feel lied to, it makes me wonder whether you are mature enough to handle some of the privileges you enjoy around here, like television, your xbox, and things like that."

In an empathetic way, let the child know that privileges will return when maturity goes up.

"The good news is that when you can show me (adult) that you are more mature, I'll know it's time for you to have these privileges again."

Finally, lead by example. Children at this age are very observant and they begin to understand when you lie to other adults. Avoid asking them to hide things from another caregiver (“I’ll give you a cookie but don’t tell mum/dad”) as this makes it seem like lying is okay.

How to Handle Teens' Repeated Lying

If the maturity of your preteen or teenager is on track and you have a good relationship, explain how lying erodes trust between people. Emphasize that while your love for them is unconditional, trust is built and must be earned. It is not unconditional like your love for them.

Ask them what they could do to fix the situation, if they have lied and broken the trust. Then, share some ideas on how they could go about earning the trust back. It can go like this:

With genuine empathy – “Oh, what a bummer. It seems that I can’t trust you.”
Pass the problem back – “What are you going to do about putting trust back?”
Ask if they want suggestions – “Would you like ideas about what some kids might do?”
If “yes” then offer only one or two ideas, they don’t have to be good ones even.
Offer support and love for them to sort this out.

If you would like to talk more about your parenting struggles and trials, don’t hesitate to reach out and chat.